Did I really think I could do well without dedicating the 15hrs/week required to succeed? No, I was almost certain I would be terrible, and I didn't want to do it. What I wanted was to be part of the team. That's what I missed. Long nights on the diving bus, three-hour practices full of arguing and horseplay, swimmer breakfasts, the "good jobs" after a meet. That's what I missed. That's what I wanted. Diving is fun, it's athletic, it keeps me entertained and busy, but I'm not in love with the sport. I liked it. I was good at it. It was easy. It was fun.
Tonight was proof: I'm not a part of the team. And if I'm not a member of the team, I don't want to dive. The team is happy with Korey; he's their star diver. I'm not jealous of Korey. I was Korey. Now I'm not. I just don't fit. And I'm no good. So why am I putting myself through the morning practices, three-hour meets, and the rushing to work from diving everyday?
Also, my parents are not supportive of diving. They act as though they are. They ask how it's going, sometimes. But my mom has been to one and a half dive meets since I began freshman year. My dad has been to three. Tonight my dad called home tonight from Mexico to get some flight information. He asked me how my brother's wrestling meet went. He didn't even know I had a meet. Wrestling. Three minutes of man-on-man groping is not a sport. Yet my mom has been to two of my brother's meets this season, already. My dad never misses a match and even skipped my first diving meet after a year-long hiatus to go see Nick wrestle.
And I am sitting here wasting my time writing a stupid blog post when I have three history assignments due tomorrow, an article to write, and math homework to get do. I don't think I'll have time to sleep. I work up at 4:45 a.m. and dove until 7 a.m. then had school. After school I dove from 3:15 p.m. til 6:00 p.m. and then a half-hour ab routine. I'm exhausted. I can't possibly get this all done. I can't get most of it done. I might get some of it done. I have to be up for morning practice tomorrow at 4:45 a.m.
On the bright side, Mr. Krause called on me today. The first time all year. That is not an exaggeration. I was shocked. I wonder if he knows that his dislike for me is so transparent.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
Okay, life's worth living again
I might have overreacted to the Jlab140 situation. I'm still not sure why we had to change, but the changes aren't as drastic as I originally thought. I'm not saying Judson won me over with his JigglyPuff like coaxing skills, but I'm not as fuming mad as I was before. I'm still unchanged in many sentiments. But, I'll live.
And my new car (1990 Honda Prelude Si) will be legal to drive tomorrow evening. So, things are looking up. And, despite the addition of diving to my agenda, I don't have as much stress nor work as I did a few weeks ago.
And my new car (1990 Honda Prelude Si) will be legal to drive tomorrow evening. So, things are looking up. And, despite the addition of diving to my agenda, I don't have as much stress nor work as I did a few weeks ago.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
A list
Things I love:
1. The experiences and memories I have from Peru.
2. My new friends that were found by loosing old ones.
3. Being the guy who brings in donuts.
4. English classes
5. Thanksgiving with my family.
6. Watching TV shows online from the convenient location of my bed.
7. The magic combination of popcorn and movies.
8. Waking up with Mr. Hurst's AP Spanish class.
9. Twitter
10. The twists life throws at you.
11. The fellowship amongst swim team members.
12. Not having to shower in the mornings after a diving practice.
13. Grey's Anatomy
14. The fact Judson's wife calls him a jackass.
1. The experiences and memories I have from Peru.
2. My new friends that were found by loosing old ones.
3. Being the guy who brings in donuts.
4. English classes
5. Thanksgiving with my family.
6. Watching TV shows online from the convenient location of my bed.
7. The magic combination of popcorn and movies.
8. Waking up with Mr. Hurst's AP Spanish class.
9. Twitter
10. The twists life throws at you.
11. The fellowship amongst swim team members.
12. Not having to shower in the mornings after a diving practice.
13. Grey's Anatomy
14. The fact Judson's wife calls him a jackass.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Demoted
Reasons I'm upset:
1)I don't feel like Business Manager requires any skill or talent.
2)I feel like I haven't progressed any since my sophomore year, because I have the same job.
3)Business Manager doesn't actually have any journalistic ties; it's completely business related.
4)I felt like the editorial board was doing as well as any editor in chief we've had in the past.
5)I put a lot of thought and time into issue four, only to have it taken away by surprise.
6)I felt like I did well on the second issue, but my job doesn't reflect that.
7)The implemented solution directly disregarded my concerns and suggestions.
8)I don't enjoy doing ads, in fact, I only agreed to do it in August because I didn't want to cause a row over it.
9)It is not a leadership position. I wanted to step up and be a unifier, a leader, but that is not what a Business Manager does. They are independent and autonomous.
10)I've been demoted. We went from being equals to a arbitrary hierarchy.
Possible Reactions:
1.Switch to a different class (maybe Creative Writing).
2.Stick to my original three-trimester plan; grin and bear it.
3.Stay in the class for this trimester and then find something else.
4.Take advantage of the lessened responsibility.
5.Purge any emotional attachment to the publication and realize it's just a class.
I realize Spencer probably has put in more work than the rest. And, if we have to have an editor in chief, he's a good candidate. I also feel like everybody else is relatively content with their positions. Sure, they still resent the idea of going back to the hierarchy, but generally like their jobs ( I think). Alix is still doing what she was doing. Anna said she was happy being a copy editor. Kelly talked about how she doesn't know where she fits in, but she's second in command and will find her place. I, however, am not even remotely happy with Business Manager. I do it because it has to be done. I do it because I have experience doing it. I do it because Judson placed me there. But I hate it. It is a series of paperwork and phone calls and rejections and not being able to get enough money to satisfy the staff's wants for a publication. It's all behind the scenes work that is under-appreciated, monotonous, and has nothing to do with journalism. I don't edit stories, I don't give advice on stories, I don't place stories, I don't write stories, I don't assign stories, I don't suggest stories—I make a phone call, fill out a piece of paper, and save a file in the correct folder. It's a job a sophomore could do—and I did.
On the first day of class, I said I signed up because I wanted to put out a quality publication. Even if I sell one thousand dollars in ads, it has no bearing on the quality of the publication. It has no bearing because I am not an editor. An editor has the power to make a publication good or bad. A Business Manager is just a salesman. So, with all due respect, forgive me if I am not happy with this decision. And I realize some will read this and think I am being ridiculous, that's fine. I don't expect people to understand where I am coming from. And they can say I am overreacting, jealous, or too sensitive, that's fine too. I am being candid; take it however you'd like.
I hope this doesn't result on a one one with Mr. Judson.
1)I don't feel like Business Manager requires any skill or talent.
2)I feel like I haven't progressed any since my sophomore year, because I have the same job.
3)Business Manager doesn't actually have any journalistic ties; it's completely business related.
4)I felt like the editorial board was doing as well as any editor in chief we've had in the past.
5)I put a lot of thought and time into issue four, only to have it taken away by surprise.
6)I felt like I did well on the second issue, but my job doesn't reflect that.
7)The implemented solution directly disregarded my concerns and suggestions.
8)I don't enjoy doing ads, in fact, I only agreed to do it in August because I didn't want to cause a row over it.
9)It is not a leadership position. I wanted to step up and be a unifier, a leader, but that is not what a Business Manager does. They are independent and autonomous.
10)I've been demoted. We went from being equals to a arbitrary hierarchy.
Possible Reactions:
1.Switch to a different class (maybe Creative Writing).
2.Stick to my original three-trimester plan; grin and bear it.
3.Stay in the class for this trimester and then find something else.
4.Take advantage of the lessened responsibility.
5.Purge any emotional attachment to the publication and realize it's just a class.
I realize Spencer probably has put in more work than the rest. And, if we have to have an editor in chief, he's a good candidate. I also feel like everybody else is relatively content with their positions. Sure, they still resent the idea of going back to the hierarchy, but generally like their jobs ( I think). Alix is still doing what she was doing. Anna said she was happy being a copy editor. Kelly talked about how she doesn't know where she fits in, but she's second in command and will find her place. I, however, am not even remotely happy with Business Manager. I do it because it has to be done. I do it because I have experience doing it. I do it because Judson placed me there. But I hate it. It is a series of paperwork and phone calls and rejections and not being able to get enough money to satisfy the staff's wants for a publication. It's all behind the scenes work that is under-appreciated, monotonous, and has nothing to do with journalism. I don't edit stories, I don't give advice on stories, I don't place stories, I don't write stories, I don't assign stories, I don't suggest stories—I make a phone call, fill out a piece of paper, and save a file in the correct folder. It's a job a sophomore could do—and I did.
On the first day of class, I said I signed up because I wanted to put out a quality publication. Even if I sell one thousand dollars in ads, it has no bearing on the quality of the publication. It has no bearing because I am not an editor. An editor has the power to make a publication good or bad. A Business Manager is just a salesman. So, with all due respect, forgive me if I am not happy with this decision. And I realize some will read this and think I am being ridiculous, that's fine. I don't expect people to understand where I am coming from. And they can say I am overreacting, jealous, or too sensitive, that's fine too. I am being candid; take it however you'd like.
I hope this doesn't result on a one one with Mr. Judson.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
The past two weeks, the future, and a little bit of the present
I've wanted to update this blog several times since my last post, but I haven't had a minute's rest. Tomorrow is the first day of a new era. The final paper in English nearly killed me, but I was able to turn a half-assed, completed copy by the due date. It required days of work and some sleepless nights, but I got it done. And in addition to that, I had a few other projects and homework to get done. When I finished with that, I thought I was in the clear. I wasn't. Diving started and I lost my energy completely and totally by the time finals week rolled around. I was waking up at 5, going to diving, then school, then diving until 4:45, then work until 9 p.m., getting home and trying to get an hour's worth of homework in before completely falling collapsing. I even went 40 hours without sleep. Well, as is expected in such conditions, I got sick. So: I'm sick, I'm busy, it's finals week and--oh, the final issue of the magazine is dragging behind schedule. It was stressful. It was exhausting. It was bitter. It was hell. But, I survived. And thanks to the generosity of an English teacher, I'm not going to fail any classes. In fact, by my rough estimations, I'll come out of this semester with a 3.5 GPA.
Now, it's over. This next trimester is Magazine, AP Spanish, AP US History, Algebra II (I have to have some weakness), and Economics. It sounds so easy. It won't be; I still have diving and work, but it'll be better. I hope it will be better--if it's not better, I will quit diving. It's not fair to my coach and teammates who've been so lenient with my schedule and understanding, but it's no good if I die from the stress. So that's still in the air. Hopefully, it'll be better.
For now, I just got off of work after a 7 hour shift, which followed a 7 a.m. diving practice followed by a swim meet that I timed laps for. So, I'm tired--I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I will finish my homework, go shopping with Mom, and have a nice dinner with Dad and his friends.
Speaking of Dad, he told me today his company wants him to move to El Paso. He said he's refused to move twice, but if they offer to double his salary (the first offers being 125% and 150% of his income) he is going to do it. I thought he was telling me he was going to leave Elkhart and I'd have to move in with Mom and only see him on holidays, but he wasn't. He said if he moved he would buy another house there but keep this one. And he would come back once every month. It's still scary, being alone for an entire month. My only company would be the internet and cable. But if that's what he wants, I guess that's good. And maybe I could go with him to Mexico some time. And he would be making enough to thoroughly compensate for his absence through bribery (that was humor, laugh).
So there's that.
Bed time.
Nighty Night.
Now, it's over. This next trimester is Magazine, AP Spanish, AP US History, Algebra II (I have to have some weakness), and Economics. It sounds so easy. It won't be; I still have diving and work, but it'll be better. I hope it will be better--if it's not better, I will quit diving. It's not fair to my coach and teammates who've been so lenient with my schedule and understanding, but it's no good if I die from the stress. So that's still in the air. Hopefully, it'll be better.
For now, I just got off of work after a 7 hour shift, which followed a 7 a.m. diving practice followed by a swim meet that I timed laps for. So, I'm tired--I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Tomorrow I will finish my homework, go shopping with Mom, and have a nice dinner with Dad and his friends.
Speaking of Dad, he told me today his company wants him to move to El Paso. He said he's refused to move twice, but if they offer to double his salary (the first offers being 125% and 150% of his income) he is going to do it. I thought he was telling me he was going to leave Elkhart and I'd have to move in with Mom and only see him on holidays, but he wasn't. He said if he moved he would buy another house there but keep this one. And he would come back once every month. It's still scary, being alone for an entire month. My only company would be the internet and cable. But if that's what he wants, I guess that's good. And maybe I could go with him to Mexico some time. And he would be making enough to thoroughly compensate for his absence through bribery (that was humor, laugh).
So there's that.
Bed time.
Nighty Night.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
An altnerate reality
I saw the school play tonight. It was good, but it was hard to watch without feeling like I should have been in it. I thought, "I could have made room for that; I wasn't that busy." Then I realized how stupid a thought that was. There was no way I could have made it to practices, done my homework, put in my work hours, slept, and stayed sane. That's when I started thinking about my life.
I have always thought that people choose their lives. We make the decisions that put us in our places. And if you don't like your current situation, you can change it. I still believe this, to some extent. But I now understand why people don't choose to change their lives.
It's a difficult thing to do. You feel trapped in your ways. You have to pay the bills, you're not good enough, you can't let others down--whatever the reason, you don't just change their lives on a whim. Why are we such creatures of habit? Why is it so hard to change?
I wish I could have done fall play. I wish I could go to the debate meet Saturday. I wish I could take a nap after school. I wish I could commit to diving. I wish I could volunteer at the hospital. I wish I could do the musical. But I can't. I could blame this all on my job. It prevents me from doing extracurriculars. It takes up my homework time. And I don't enjoy it. If I'm blaming my job, I might as well blame my classes. I weren't taking so many AP classes maybe I could do those activities. However, after this trimester ends, I could do those activities if I didn't work.
But I need my car. That means I need gas and insurance. And I have to pay for my trip to Spain. That's $25 a week for gas, $90 a month for insurance, and $96 a week for the Spanish trip. Life would be more enjoyable if I didn't have to pay for all of that. My parents don't pay for my insurance and gas; the only things they do pay for are the food in the fridge and my cell phone. Does this make me more responsible, independent, or appreciative? I don't know, but it does make me work.
So, my parents' unwillingness to pay for my expenses requires I work for my money, but it's my decision to have a car, drive around, and go on expensive trips. Unfortunately, I can't make my life any better, because I still want all of those things.
Today's Confession: I have four lipstick marks on my hands. Only 3 came from girls.
I have always thought that people choose their lives. We make the decisions that put us in our places. And if you don't like your current situation, you can change it. I still believe this, to some extent. But I now understand why people don't choose to change their lives.
It's a difficult thing to do. You feel trapped in your ways. You have to pay the bills, you're not good enough, you can't let others down--whatever the reason, you don't just change their lives on a whim. Why are we such creatures of habit? Why is it so hard to change?
I wish I could have done fall play. I wish I could go to the debate meet Saturday. I wish I could take a nap after school. I wish I could commit to diving. I wish I could volunteer at the hospital. I wish I could do the musical. But I can't. I could blame this all on my job. It prevents me from doing extracurriculars. It takes up my homework time. And I don't enjoy it. If I'm blaming my job, I might as well blame my classes. I weren't taking so many AP classes maybe I could do those activities. However, after this trimester ends, I could do those activities if I didn't work.
But I need my car. That means I need gas and insurance. And I have to pay for my trip to Spain. That's $25 a week for gas, $90 a month for insurance, and $96 a week for the Spanish trip. Life would be more enjoyable if I didn't have to pay for all of that. My parents don't pay for my insurance and gas; the only things they do pay for are the food in the fridge and my cell phone. Does this make me more responsible, independent, or appreciative? I don't know, but it does make me work.
So, my parents' unwillingness to pay for my expenses requires I work for my money, but it's my decision to have a car, drive around, and go on expensive trips. Unfortunately, I can't make my life any better, because I still want all of those things.
Today's Confession: I have four lipstick marks on my hands. Only 3 came from girls.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Just keep swimming
The end is near. I'm not talking about the apocalypse; I'm talking about the end of this trimester. It's only two weeks away. I have so much to do before then, but it'll be here soon. I will cease to be the four-AP/two-AP-English-classes kid. Life will go back to the way I remember high school: generally easy classes, diving practices, work, and the JLab. It'll be sad.
I've learned to be content with most of this. Sure, there are still those days where I come home and want to cry, but most days are filled with moments of content. I enjoy Judson's English class. I enjoy Mrs. Greene's English class. I enjoy Newspaper. English has been the bulk of my day for 10 weeks. And now that's about to disappear. I really do wish we had a writers' club at Concord. That might help me with the English withdrawal.
I might a big decision tonight; I decided to dive. It may have been the realization that life would be somewhat peaceful next trimester that scared me into adding things to my plate. I still have to work 15-20 hours a week. And I still have newspaper, AP Spanish, AP US History, Algebra II, and Econ to worry about. And yet, I called my coach and told him I would be at practice next week.
Diving is something I enjoyed. I didn't always love the sport, but I always loved the team. To be honest, I am nervous about getting back on the board after such a long hiatus, but my teammates have been asking all year if I would be coming back. While I don't like the commitment required by the sport, that team feeling is nice. And, my mother has been telling me since the year began that she wants me to be having fun my senior year. I don't buy into the whole "Senior year" gimmick, but I'll dive anyway. If it's too unbearable, time-consuming, or simply too much, I will quit. I have no qualms with that. People label quitters as terrible people, but I'm starting to realize the reasons people quit before are quite legitimate.
So, I won't be getting my easy second trimester. And I won't be free or available for the winter, but at least I won't be bored, out-of-shape, and lazy.
Today's Confession: Diving, as a sport, scares the crap out of me, especially after seeing that kid hit his head at the US Open.
I've learned to be content with most of this. Sure, there are still those days where I come home and want to cry, but most days are filled with moments of content. I enjoy Judson's English class. I enjoy Mrs. Greene's English class. I enjoy Newspaper. English has been the bulk of my day for 10 weeks. And now that's about to disappear. I really do wish we had a writers' club at Concord. That might help me with the English withdrawal.
I might a big decision tonight; I decided to dive. It may have been the realization that life would be somewhat peaceful next trimester that scared me into adding things to my plate. I still have to work 15-20 hours a week. And I still have newspaper, AP Spanish, AP US History, Algebra II, and Econ to worry about. And yet, I called my coach and told him I would be at practice next week.
Diving is something I enjoyed. I didn't always love the sport, but I always loved the team. To be honest, I am nervous about getting back on the board after such a long hiatus, but my teammates have been asking all year if I would be coming back. While I don't like the commitment required by the sport, that team feeling is nice. And, my mother has been telling me since the year began that she wants me to be having fun my senior year. I don't buy into the whole "Senior year" gimmick, but I'll dive anyway. If it's too unbearable, time-consuming, or simply too much, I will quit. I have no qualms with that. People label quitters as terrible people, but I'm starting to realize the reasons people quit before are quite legitimate.
So, I won't be getting my easy second trimester. And I won't be free or available for the winter, but at least I won't be bored, out-of-shape, and lazy.
Today's Confession: Diving, as a sport, scares the crap out of me, especially after seeing that kid hit his head at the US Open.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
