What am I doing?

Did I really think I could do well without dedicating the 15hrs/week required to succeed? No, I was almost certain I would be terrible, and I didn't want to do it. What I wanted was to be part of the team. That's what I missed. Long nights on the diving bus, three-hour practices full of arguing and horseplay, swimmer breakfasts, the "good jobs" after a meet. That's what I missed. That's what I wanted. Diving is fun, it's athletic, it keeps me entertained and busy, but I'm not in love with the sport. I liked it. I was good at it. It was easy. It was fun.

Tonight was proof: I'm not a part of the team. And if I'm not a member of the team, I don't want to dive. The team is happy with Korey; he's their star diver. I'm not jealous of Korey. I was Korey. Now I'm not. I just don't fit. And I'm no good. So why am I putting myself through the morning practices, three-hour meets, and the rushing to work from diving everyday?

Also, my parents are not supportive of diving. They act as though they are. They ask how it's going, sometimes. But my mom has been to one and a half dive meets since I began freshman year. My dad has been to three. Tonight my dad called home tonight from Mexico to get some flight information. He asked me how my brother's wrestling meet went. He didn't even know I had a meet. Wrestling. Three minutes of man-on-man groping is not a sport. Yet my mom has been to two of my brother's meets this season, already. My dad never misses a match and even skipped my first diving meet after a year-long hiatus to go see Nick wrestle.

And I am sitting here wasting my time writing a stupid blog post when I have three history assignments due tomorrow, an article to write, and math homework to get do. I don't think I'll have time to sleep. I work up at 4:45 a.m. and dove until 7 a.m. then had school. After school I dove from 3:15 p.m. til 6:00 p.m. and then a half-hour ab routine. I'm exhausted. I can't possibly get this all done. I can't get most of it done. I might get some of it done. I have to be up for morning practice tomorrow at 4:45 a.m.

On the bright side, Mr. Krause called on me today. The first time all year. That is not an exaggeration. I was shocked. I wonder if he knows that his dislike for me is so transparent.