An altnerate reality

I saw the school play tonight. It was good, but it was hard to watch without feeling like I should have been in it. I thought, "I could have made room for that; I wasn't that busy." Then I realized how stupid a thought that was. There was no way I could have made it to practices, done my homework, put in my work hours, slept, and stayed sane. That's when I started thinking about my life.
I have always thought that people choose their lives. We make the decisions that put us in our places. And if you don't like your current situation, you can change it. I still believe this, to some extent. But I now understand why people don't choose to change their lives.
It's a difficult thing to do. You feel trapped in your ways. You have to pay the bills, you're not good enough, you can't let others down--whatever the reason, you don't just change their lives on a whim. Why are we such creatures of habit? Why is it so hard to change?
I wish I could have done fall play. I wish I could go to the debate meet Saturday. I wish I could take a nap after school. I wish I could commit to diving. I wish I could volunteer at the hospital. I wish I could do the musical. But I can't. I could blame this all on my job. It prevents me from doing extracurriculars. It takes up my homework time. And I don't enjoy it. If I'm blaming my job, I might as well blame my classes. I weren't taking so many AP classes maybe I could do those activities. However, after this trimester ends, I could do those activities if I didn't work.
But I need my car. That means I need gas and insurance. And I have to pay for my trip to Spain. That's $25 a week for gas, $90 a month for insurance, and $96 a week for the Spanish trip. Life would be more enjoyable if I didn't have to pay for all of that. My parents don't pay for my insurance and gas; the only things they do pay for are the food in the fridge and my cell phone. Does this make me more responsible, independent, or appreciative? I don't know, but it does make me work.
So, my parents' unwillingness to pay for my expenses requires I work for my money, but it's my decision to have a car, drive around, and go on expensive trips. Unfortunately, I can't make my life any better, because I still want all of those things.


Today's Confession: I have four lipstick marks on my hands. Only 3 came from girls.